


Bottled Up Storms

by AbsentMinds



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, I might write smut we shall see, Unplanned Pregnancy, also nesta is a weepy pregnant lady, cassian is just horny for nesta lets be real, i'll add more tags as i go along, nesta is very horny while pregnant, then my hand slipped and now we have this fic, there might be some pregnancy sex, this is my first multi chapter fic i am AFRAID lmao, this was a tumblr prompt i was gonna write as a one shot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:22:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsentMinds/pseuds/AbsentMinds
Summary: Nesta and Cassian have been living in the Illyrian mountains for some months now, and they had it all figured out. They mostly ignored each other, and seemed to be getting by. However, after one drunken night together, they must deal with the consequences of what they have created together, both the new life they created, and the lives they have created for themselves.
Relationships: Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 68
Kudos: 181





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prompt I received on my tumblr! I was going to try and write a one shot but it turned really long and now we have this fic. Everything about pregnancies I write will be from google so I apologise for any mistakes. Let's pretend that the mistakes aren't mistakes, it's just fae pregnancies being different though.

They didn’t talk about the fact that they’d had sex. It was a one-time thing, and something not to be repeated as far as they were both concerned. They had both been drunk and they needed to feel something. There had been tension lingering around them ever since Nesta had been ordered to go with Cassian to Illyria. The tension was normal around the two of them, it had been there ever since they had first met, which felt like a lifetime ago. The tension had built until it was going to burst. That’s what had happened that drunken night. 

Nesta found she was fine not talking about what had happened between them. She didn’t want to talk about the mind-blowing sex, the way Cassian had looked at her like she was his world, the way he had held her after, how it had made her feel calm and safe, the way she’d had the best nights sleep since Gods know when, the way she had woken up to him staring at her with such love and wonder that she couldn’t breathe. Cassian hadn’t spoken about it either. He had just watched her as she left his room. The weight of his gaze nowadays was suffocating but different reasons. Now it was heavy with the memories of that night, of what they could be if she wasn’t so broken, and if she hadn’t been such a coward and left. 

Nesta was content to go about her life at the blasted camp her sister had dumped her at, barely seeing Cassian. She carried on with her routine of going to see Emerie in the shop. She would help if she needed it, but Emerie so rarely had customers that she did things herself just so she could keep busy. After spending a few hours with Emerie, sometimes talking and sometimes sitting in comfortable silence, she would wander around the camp, sometimes watching the training of the women, sometimes tiring and going to the cabin she shared with Cassian and reading one of her books. 

Very occasionally, Nesta would wander down to the healer’s tent and help them. She worked in silence, just doing as she was told, but the work was good for tiring her out and keeping her hands and mind busy. It made her feel useful, something she had not felt in a long time, maybe not ever. 

She hadn’t felt the need to drink herself into oblivion like she had done most nights in Velaris. Maybe the distance had helped, but Nesta still couldn’t bring herself to thank her sister for sending her away. Even when she and Cassian had… made their mistake that night, she wasn’t anywhere near as drunk as she could’ve been. She just pretended she was after it had happened so that Cassian wouldn’t talk to her about it. She was eating too, although that was a bit more hit and miss. She was shocked to find that the alcohol she could easily leave, but the punishing her body, the not eating, that was harder to do. Still, she was making progress and eating something is better than nothing. Her lack of drinking meant she was throwing up less, meaning she was slowly starting to look healthier. Her nightmares did cause her to throw up though, so the food didn’t always stay down. She still couldn’t make much of a dent in the food that Cassian plated up for her, but she still felt a small amount of pride for eating what she did. 

Which is why she was confused. She was being sick in the morning, despite the fact she hadn’t drank any alcohol since that night with Cassian. She wouldn’t even have it with her meal, just in case her control slipped. The alcohol made her too free, which was dangerous around Cassian.

This was the third morning in a row now, where Nesta had been sick. At first, she had thought it was food poisoning, but Cassian was fine and he always cooked for both of them. Plus, she had felt better later on in the day. She had gone to the healers who told her she wasn’t ill. They had offered to check her over more extensively, but Nesta refused, hoping whatever it was would go away. 

It hadn’t. Because of course, _of course_ , things could never be that easy for Nesta. This morning was particularly bad. She was sat on the floor in the bathroom and had been for the past half an hour. She didn’t want to risk getting up because every time she did, she felt sick again. Cassian was (thank the cauldron) at his morning training session, and wouldn’t be back until dinner. She had the cabin to herself for the day to deal with whatever this was. 

She decided to move to the sink to rinse her mouth out with water. She didn’t want to risk going into the kitchen to get a glass, just in case she was sick again. As she stood up, her body protested, and her stomach churned. Nesta took a deep breath in the hopes it would calm her stomach, but she had no such luck as she once again leaned over the toilet bowl, slowly sinking to her knees again as she retched again. 

Nesta always prided herself on being well aware of her surroundings. However, while she was being sick, she didn’t notice Cassian coming back into the cabin. Nor did she hear his footsteps getting closer and closer as he followed the noises she was making. 

Cassian stood in the doorway of the bathroom and stared at Nesta who had now stopped being sick and was leaning against the bathtub, panting. Nesta glared at him, but without as much heat as she would’ve liked, exhausted from throwing up for half an hour. 

“Are you alright?” Cassian asked, seeming to break himself out of whatever was going on in his head. 

“Do I look alright to you?” Nesta bit back, taking deep breaths as her stomach churned again. She closed her eyes, willing her stomach to settle, hoping that the cool feeling of the bathtub against her would help. 

“A little too much fun last night?”

“Yes, it was a joy, sitting in my room all night, reading my book until I fall asleep, not having to be around you,” Nesta replied, angry that he would imply she had been drinking. 

He seemed thrown by that. They both knew that she wouldn’t lie about the drinking, she had never felt the need to before. She wasn’t ashamed of her chosen coping habit, it wasn’t hurting anyone else, just herself. It shouldn’t bother everyone as much as it does, but if they choose to worry about her drinking habit then that’s on them, she didn’t care. Or so she would keep telling herself. 

“I… are you saying you haven’t been drinking?” Cassian asked, unable to keep the shock out of his voice.

“I haven’t drank any alcohol since-” she cut herself off, unable to say that she hadn’t touched alcohol since that night they had shared. 

Thankfully, Cassian seemed to realise what she was about to say and just cleared his throat awkwardly and gave her a small nod. “Okay then, shall I get a healer?” 

“No, I’ll go down myself, I’m fine now anyway.” Nesta tried to slowly move, but it was no use. Her stomach churned again as she turned quickly to the toilet before being sick again. 

Nesta’s whole body shook as she was sick, she could feel her energy draining with each time she heaved, her nose and mouth, filling with the acidic smell and taste of her vomit. She couldn’t believe she was vomiting this much, not when she didn’t think she had this much lining her stomach to even get rid of in the first place. She felt a warm hand slowly rub her back as she threw up, so softly it hurt her heart. 

Eventually, her body stopped, perhaps running out of things to force out of her, although Nesta was not very hopeful. Her body was clearly punishing her for all the havoc she had caused when she was drinking her meals. She leaned back against the bathtub once again, Cassian’s hand still so soft and warm on her back. She could feel the liquid around her nose, mouth and the tears that had escaped as she had been sick leaving marks down her cheeks. She closed her eyes, wishing Cassian was anywhere but here, wishing he wasn’t seeing her like this. 

Perhaps Nesta’s wishes come true quickly, but perhaps that’s only true when her wish is something that will hurt her. Cassian slowly stood up and left her in the bathroom. He returned briefly with a glass of water and some tissues to try and clean her face up as best he could. She would have stopped him, and his soft movements as he wiped her face, but she didn’t have the energy to stop him, to yell, to be a bitch and push him away. Not right now. But maybe she could do it without even trying because she closed her eyes and felt him leave, and heard the front door open and shut, and the cabin was once again was empty. 

Nesta sat on the floor for what felt like an age. Time seemed to pass differently when you’ve been sick all morning. She waited until she started feeling a bit better, her legs not feeling as weak or shaky, her stomach settling down slightly, her nose stopped stinging, her eyes stopped watering. She slowly moved herself to stand up, trying to keep her movements as smooth and slow as possible, in the hopes it wouldn’t make her sick again. 

Her limbs felt too heavy for her, her body exhausted from being sick. She didn’t have the energy to deal with people, she didn’t want to speak to anyone or see anyone. She wanted to sleep. Even though she was sleeping better than she had been, her sleep was interrupted, bitty, and more like she was taking several naps at night rather than getting proper rest. She didn’t bother undressing or undoing her braided hair. She simply walked over to her bed and collapsed, feeling grateful that her room wasn’t far from the bathroom. 

She closed her eyes but knew that despite the exhaustion her body was feeling, her mind would not let her sleep. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about Cassian’s hand on her back. It was the first time he had touched her since that night. It hurt, that he didn’t want to touch her again unless he had to, but she understood. Things were so messy between the two of them, they needed space between them. Nesta couldn’t think when she was near Cassian, and when he touched her it felt like he had lit a fuse. She was sure that if she hadn’t been otherwise occupied when he had touched her, she would’ve reacted differently. She was glad that she hadn’t since she had been embarrassed enough for one day. 

Cassian clearly felt she hadn’t been embarrassed enough, however, because he returned, and she could clearly hear the voice of another person with him. She recognised the voice of the healers from the tent that she helped out in. Their footsteps grew closer, and Nesta, in her panic, decided that she would pretend to be asleep. 

“Oh,” was all that Cassian said as he opened the door and saw her fully dressed and asleep on top of her covers. She had been so exhausted that she couldn’t even muster the energy to get under them before they had arrived. “Shall I wake her?”

“It’s okay general, you can go and wait elsewhere. I will wake her up and speak to her,” there was silence, Cassian not moving away like he had been told to. Eventually, he let out a small sigh and walked away into their shared living space as the healer shut the door behind him. 

“You can stop pretending to be asleep now. You may have fooled the general but that won’t work on me.”

Nesta slowly opened her eyes and looked at the healer. She was short, with dark brown hair, tied in a neat bun. Her wings were clipped, but she seemed to carry herself in a way that suggested she was fairly old even for fae standards, and she wore the typical healers uniform, which was immaculate. In fact, everything about this woman was immaculate, which put Nesta on edge even on a normal day. After three days of being sick every morning, Nesta wanted nothing more to hide under her blanket. She did not give in to her urge to hide, however, and slowly sat up on her bed, hoping not to make the queasy feeling turn into something more again. 

“I know we’ve seen each other around the tent, but I’ve never had a chance to speak to you before. I’m Theodora. I heard you were throwing up this morning? Is this the first time you’ve done that?” As she asked the questions, Theodora set her bag down on the foot of the bed and started rifling through it and putting things onto the bed. 

“I’m Nesta. And no, this is now the third day this has been happening. It seemed to calm down yesterday afternoon so I hoped that it was just a stomach bug that had passed.” 

Theodora looked up at her in surprise. “Three days?”

“Yes although I have been feeling a bit queasy for much longer than that, I just learnt to ignore it.”

“Hmm okay, and how long have you been noticing my queasiness?” Nesta paused, unsure if she should divulge all her secrets with the healer, in case she told Cassian or anyone what she had been suffering recently. As if able to sense her worries, Theodora added, “Nothing you say will be shared with anyone else without your permission.”

Slightly comforted that if someone was to find out at least she would have warning, Nesta decided to share her troubles. “I’ve been feeling sick ever since my last period.” 

“How long ago was that?”

“It was supposed to be 2 weeks ago, but it never came. That isn’t unusual though. I’ve put my body through a lot, my periods are never predictable.”

Theodora pursed her lips and nodded to indicate she was listening as she looked through her healer’s bag once more, a small frown on her face. When she found what she was looking for, she inspected it, before looking up at Nesta. 

“This is a routine question I ask every female, so please don’t get offended, but is there any chance you could be pregnant? Just so I can choose my treatment method correctly.”

Nesta froze. Pregnant? Surely not. Fae pregnancies were difficult and rare, she knew that. With what Nesta had been putting her body through before coming to Illyria, she wasn’t even sure she could do that right now. There was no way she could be pregnant, could she? But then a flash of blurry memory hit her, stumbling into Cassian’s room, the desperation, ripping each other’s clothes off and _“oh fuck could I be pregnant?”_

“I, erm, I don’t know,” was all she could stutter in a small voice, her throat constricting, making it difficult for her not to cry. She didn’t know for sure, but she suddenly had a very bad feeling about all of this. 

“Right then, we will do a pregnancy test first in that case. I’ll just go get you some water because I’ll need a urine sample to find out for sure,” Theodora smiled at her before walking off towards the kitchen. 

Nesta remained frozen on the bed, staring at the open door. She could hear Cassian speaking to the healer, but she couldn’t focus on what was being said, she couldn’t focus on anything. She was pregnant, she knew it as soon as Theodora has asked. This was just another way to punish her. It was probably that damned cauldron’s idea of a joke. Of course, she would get pregnant after the one time she slept with her ma- with Cassian. It was like the cauldron could tell that she would run, avoid him, push him away. But if she was pregnant with his child, then she couldn’t do that. Nesta would need him, would want him to be involved if she had his child.

Before she could go even further into her thought spiral, Theodora came back with a large glass of water, which she handed to Nesta as she shut the door again. 

“The general tried to ask me questions, but don’t worry, I put him in his place and told him it was up to you to share any details with him,” Theodora said in a matter of fact tone. 

Nesta couldn’t reply, so she simply gave a small nod of acknowledgement and started drinking her water. Once she had finished the entire glass, she put it on her bedside table and finally drew the courage to look at the healer who was now seated on the other end of her bed. 

“What happens if I am?” Nesta couldn’t bring herself to say that word out loud yet. 

“Then you have options. You don’t have to keep it. But if you decide you do then we can help you learn more.” There was no judgement in Theodora’s voice. Just soft, kind words, letting Nesta take control of a situation which already felt too out of control. 

“What happens if I don’t want it.” Nesta could only whisper the question, looking down at her hands to avoid looking at the kind woman sat in front of her. She didn’t feel like she deserved the kindness, but right now she didn’t have the energy to stop her from being so kind. 

“Then that is your decision. We would tell you about the process, what we do, how it works. In the end, it would just be like heavy bleeding, nothing more.”

“I thought that fae pregnancies were…” Nesta trailed off, not knowing what she was going to say. Her mind was spinning with so many thoughts, she could barely think straight. 

“They are very rare, and when people want to be pregnant, then it is considered very blessed. But not everyone wants to keep that child. Not everyone’s circumstances are happy or healthy. Not everyone can afford to have that child. There are so many factors in pregnancies, not just someone putting their penis in a vagina.”

At the impassioned speech from Theodora, Nesta looked up to see something she couldn’t quite name painted across the healer’s face. All Nesta knew was that she felt understood. She felt unjudged and knew Theodora was not pitying her or the situation she was in. That helped calm the thoughts spinning around in her head. 

"I don't know what I want." Nesta looked down at her hands which were folded in her lap as she finally admit out loud what she had felt since she had emerged from that cursed cauldron. Before that, when she was human, things were simple enough. Her ambitions were simply to marry someone so she could live comfortably. As a woman, Nesta was well aware that she needed someone to look after her and provide her. That was not the case for her in this new Fae world, the possibilities seemed endless for Nesta. However, Nesta felt overwhelmed with the amount of freedom she had suddenly gained in this new world, she had no idea what to do with it. 

"You have some time. Think about it. It's early days yet. Finding out you're pregnant is always a shock, it can take some time to come to terms with that. There are other options too. Many Fae can't have children, so there's always the idea of adoption. Many loving parents would happily raise your child if you are not able to. You can choose to be involved if you want to, or not at all. The possibilities are endless." Theodora started packing her things away, not looking at Nesta as she spoke, which Nesta was grateful for. 

"I... thank you." 

"You're welcome. If you need someone to talk to, just know that I will all always be kept confidential. Even the high lord and lady could not make me break my oath to the people I serve. You know where to find me if you need me Nesta." Nesta gave a small nod, still not able to look up at the healer. 

“Do you need the bathroom yet?” Nesta thought for a second and then nodded. Theodora handed her a vial and instructed her to try and gather as much urine into the vial as possible, which seemed disgusting but Nesta went to the bathroom to do as she had been told. 

She came back and handed the vial to Theodora, cringing as she did. Nesta sat back down on the bed as she watched Theodora put a leaf, which she had kept out of her bags into her urine sample. The leaf floated and started to shrivel up as soon as it was emerged in the urine, turning a funny orange colour with little brown splotches on it. 

“What does that mean?” Nesta whispered, not being able to look away from the leaf. 

“It means that you’re pregnant my dear.” There was a short silence, as though Theodora was waiting for Nesta to say something, but when she didn't Theodora spoke again, breaking the awkward silence. "I will prepare the herbs you will need to drink in your morning tea and send them along to you. If you drink the tea from the herbs every morning, it should help with your morning sickness. If it persists despite the tea then let me know." 

"Thank you," Nesta murmured again, as though unable to think of what else to say in the face of such kindness from a virtual stranger, still trying to process what she had just been told, that her suspicions were correct. Theodora simply nodded and left the cottage, not even glancing at Cassian as she left. 

Cassian walked up to Nesta's room after Theodora left, leaning on the door frame and looked at Nesta's pale face as she stared at her hands, but not really seeing anything. It seemed Nesta was miles away, so he cleared his throat in order to get her attention. 

"Is everything alright?" His eyes looking over her body for signs of an injury, as though there would be something he could see on her body causing her to be unwell. 

"I'm fine," Nesta said, looking up at Cassian finally. He was trying to look casual, as though there was nothing going on, but Nesta could see the tension he was holding in his shoulders. He was worried about her. The realisation came with a large amount of shock. She couldn't quite believe that he was worried about her. Perhaps her shock got the better of her because before she could stop herself, she blurted out "I'm pregnant." 

Nesta's eyes widened as she cursed herself internally for not being able to keep her mouth shut. She looked up to see Cassian, to see he had frozen in shock, his eyes wide, staring at Nesta. Nesta could feel her heart beating in her chest, the tears starting to fill her eyes as Cassian said nothing, and just stared at her with different emotions flitting across his face, too quickly for her to guess what they might mean. 

"I... who? Is it... am I?" Cassian eventually managed to choke out, his eyes drifting to her stomach almost unconsciously. 

"It," Nesta paused, wondering if she should lie, not tell Cassian he was the father, wondering if she could somehow take all of it back. But she knew she couldn't when she saw Cassian looking at her flat stomach. His expression had finally settled on something, and that was hope. Nesta knew after spending time in the Illyrian camps, that Cassian's childhood had been terrible. She knew that Cassian would never, not in a million lifetimes, abandon this baby. "It's yours." She whispered, a tear managing to escape her eye. She quickly wiped it, but knew that it hadn't gone unnoticed. Nothing Nesta did ever went unnoticed where Cassian was concerned. 

"Do you want it?" Cassian asked softly. She knew that he would never begrudge her if she wanted to get rid of the baby. She could see, and she knew, that Cassian would love this baby with everything he had, but if Nesta decided she didn't want this baby, he would never hold it against her, and never stop her from getting rid of it. If she allowed him to, she knew he would be with her every step of the way for that too, even if it broke his heart. 

"I don't know." She closed her eyes, hoping that it would stop any more tears from escaping. 

"I'll stand by you, whatever you choose. You know that, right?" Cassian asked, almost desperately, like he needed to know that she knew this was her choice, and he would never leave her. The desperation in his voice reminded her of the metallic smell of the blood that the ground soaked up, his warm body beneath hers as he gasped for air and told her to leave him to die alone. 

Nesta couldn't get the words out, they got stuck in her throat. She choked out a small sob, unable to stop herself, and gave him a small nod, overcome with emotions. Before she could try to compose herself, to put up the icy exterior she relied on so much, she felt something warm and solid wrap around her. Cassian was silent as he held Nesta in his arms, something he hadn't done since the night they had spent together. Nesta finally let herself cry, unable to keep her emotions at bay any longer. 

When she felt like she couldn't cry anymore, like she had run out of tears to cry, she slowly pulled away from Cassian's chest, where he had been holding her and stroking her back, telling her everything would be alright. She looked up at the male who had been by her side every step of the way, whether she wanted him there or not. 

She could feel her exhaustion taking over her, hitting her like a hammer. She tried to search for something to say, but didn't know how to put into words what she was feeling, not when she didn't even understand her emotions herself. 

"You should rest," Cassian said softly, as he moved her so she was lying down on her pillow. He pulled her blankets over her, smoothed her hair down and kissed her forehead. Nesta was asleep before he had even left the room, feeling calmer than she had any right to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally wrote chapter 2, shout out to my work for putting me in a clinic where I have a lot of free time to write! This one is from Cassian's POV because I just feel like to get the most amount of angst we should suffer from both POVs. Also writing this fic has made me realise that I am very good at thinking of angsty ideas because wow I have so much more angst planned.

Cassian ran his fingers through his hair after shutting the door behind him. His shoulders and wings sagged as he thought about what had just happened, what he had just found out. His heart felt like it would beat out of his chest it was beating so fast. Nesta,  _ his Nesta,  _ was pregnant. Except she wasn't  _ his  _ Nesta, she wasn't his anything, not in her eyes anyway, and definitely not in his eyes. He could never be worthy of Nesta, but she was everything to him, because she was his mate, a fact which he had known since he had seen her stood so tall and proud in her father's house as a human. Even then, despite her body being human and weaker, she looked like a warrior who could clear the battlefields in one fell swoop. 

Cassian sigh as he forced himself to move from outside her bedroom door, and managed to force himself into their small living space. His mind was swirling with thoughts and unbidden memories from  _ that night.  _ He had gotten  _ his mate pregnant.  _ He fought his instincts, which were telling him to go to her and never leave her side again, just like they had the morning after they had slept together. But he knew he couldn't do that, not if he ever wanted a chance with Nesta. He knew that any wrong move could mean that he chases Nesta away, and this time for good, and he would do anything to prevent that. Perhaps the fear of losing her was what stopped him from telling Nesta about the mating bond. He knew she couldn't feel it, there was no way in hell that Nesta would leave his balls attached if she could feel the mating bond. Cassian had seen the disaster that was Feyre finding out Rhys hadn't told her about their mating bond, and knew that he should learn from his brother’s mistake, but he was a coward, and couldn't bring himself to add another strain on their relationship. 

Before the war, he had considered telling her. He almost did so many times, but there was never the right time, or they were interrupted or something bigger was going on. Or maybe he was a coward. Actually, he was definitely a coward, he knew that. He knows that he should have told her a long time ago, when it first snapped into place for him. But Cassian knew that she didn't feel anything. He suspected the mating bond was one-sided, which is why he never told anyone. He had pulled at the tether tying him to Nesta and found nothing. So he had resigned himself to just accepting whatever scraps of Nesta he could get in his life. 

Cassian couldn't quite believe that Nesta was pregnant. He had dreamt of it once or twice, and he couldn't quite believe that this was real, that this was happening. He had dreamt of having a loving family with Nesta, raising children together and being madly in love. They were always worse than the dreams he had of Nesta, now mixed in with memories of that night panting above him, moaning his name, kissing him, grinding down on him, throwing her head back in ecstasy, her pert breasts bouncing as she moved in ways to make sure that he hit her sweet spot, doing all the work because she thought Cassian was an idiot. Cassian was too in awe to do anything but let the goddess of a woman on him take her pleasure from him until she moaned his name and he felt something in him snap as he flipped her over and- 

Cassian groaned, rubbing his face, trying to avoid going down that path. He adjusted himself, his trousers already feeling a little snug, an uncomfortable feeling which he'd had to get used to, because he can't ever stop himself from thinking about that night. Ever since they had sex, it had been hell trying to avoid Nesta. He wanted more, and not just of her body. He wanted to sit with her when she was reading her books, eat his dinner with her, wash the dishes with her. He wanted to hold her in his arms in bed because he had never slept so peacefully as he did when Nesta had laid next to him. He wanted Nesta to permeate his entire life, so he could feel her presence in every aspect. Even when she was driving him crazy, she somehow calmed him, soothed his soul in a way he had never felt before. 

He had been stupid enough to assume that having sex with Nesta would make things easier for them, that there would be  _ less _ explosive sexual tension involved. He was a fool for being so weak that night. He knew he shouldn't have, the voice of reason in his head warned him this was a bad idea. But the voice of reason that night had been too quiet, drowned out by the alcohol, and the lust coursing through both their veins. Rhys had once said to him that he thought with his dick, not his head. Cassian at the time had been very offended, but now he thought perhaps Rhys had been right. He didn't always think like that, but maybe he did with Nesta. He knew he had that night, anyway. 

It didn't matter what was to blame. The damage was done, and Nesta was pregnant due to his carelessness. He should have made sure he had taken his tonic even if he hadn’t been having sex for months since before the war, he should have made sure Nesta had something afterwards just to make sure, he should have never slept with her in the first place, he should have never let her walk away that morning. He just hoped and prayed to any of the gods who would listen, that this pregnancy wouldn't be the thing that broke Nesta beyond repair. He couldn't live with himself if this made Nesta spiral even more than she already was. He had already guessed that perhaps the things he had said on Solstice had hurt Nesta more than she could ever say. Cassian just added it to the list of things he failed her in. He knew he should stay away from her after that because anything he did would make it worse. And now he had made it so much worse.

Cassian wasn't keeping tabs on Nesta, he would never do her the disservice, but he had heard people talking around the camp. He knew that she would visit Emerie, and the two had something that might resemble a friendship. He knew that she would spend time in the healers’ tent. He remembered the way that during the war she had helped in the healers’ tent. He was glad she was going out and about, that she was giving herself some sort of purpose. Although Nesta put up a front of being an ice queen, he knew that she cared about people, perhaps too much. Healing was a way for Nesta to help people, and he felt that perhaps that was a fitting place to start healing herself too. 

Feyre had suggested that Nesta trained with the females, to try and give her a sense of purpose, and so she could fight. Cassian said he would see how things went, but had never mentioned it to Nesta. He saw the way she couldn't even look at the fighting rings, and that was enough to tell him that fighting and training with the females was the last thing that would give Nesta a purpose. Nesta could not be what Feyre had become. Cassian knew better than anyone that you couldn't send someone into the training ring if they didn't want to be there. It was always going to be a recipe for disaster, for the person training and everyone else close by. He wasn't going to force Nesta to do something she had made very clear she hated, despite all his jokes and teasing when she had been newly made. She had been through enough, she didn't need to suffer anymore. If Nesta ever asked him to help her train, he would be more than happy to help, but unless that happened then training would never happen. He knew that Amren had taught her some things, but he didn’t know what. He just knew that he trusted Amren to teach Nesta what she needed to know. 

Cassian closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. He finally was starting to understand why Azriel said he got stress headaches because sure enough, he could feel a dull pounding in his head. It wasn't incapacitating, but it was annoying. He'd have to go to the healer's tent before it got any worse. With Nesta asleep, there was nothing else to do but wait until she woke up. They needed to talk about what happened, and about what would happen in the future. He needed to make it very clear that he would support her no matter what, and be there every step of the way. 

Cassian left Nesta a quick note telling her where he was just in case she woke up while he was gone and left it on the kitchen table. Then he left and quickly went over to the healers’ tents. He asked for a headache tonic which they procured quickly enough. Then, as he was leaving the tent he saw the healer who had been to see Nesta. 

"Theodora!" He called over to catch her attention. 

Theodora looked up slightly startled to hear her name being called, but her expression settled when she saw Cassian. She gave him a small nod, which Cassian took as he could go over to her. Theodora was sat cleaning her instruments, lots of little shiny objects that Cassian couldn't even begin to guess what their use would be. There was an empty chair nearby, which Cassian sat on, not wanting to loom over the female ominously as they spoke. 

Before Cassian could even open his mouth, Theodora spoke in a rather cutting voice. " I hope you're not here to ask for personal information about my patient. You should know better by now. I will not indulge it to anyone. It is her choice who to tell, including the High Lord and Lady." She didn't even look up at him as she spoke. Rather than it being the picture of Illyrian female submission, Theodora somehow made her not looking at Cassian seem like an insult to him. Cassian felt the corners of his mouth lift slightly at the female who had obviously decided that Nesta needed to be defended no matter what happened and that she would be the person to do it. He was glad that Theodora was going to be looking out for Nesta. 

"That's not why I'm here and you know it. I would never do her the disservice," Cassian raised his hands in surrender as Theodora finally looked up at him. 

"Then why are you here? You have your headache tonic." She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. 

"I wouldn't force her to tell anyone. Not even if it was my brother and her sister. That’s her business. I just want to help her." Cassian let a small sigh escape him. 

"Good. If you did try, I would have to make sure you were unable to get anyone else pregnant," Theodora glared at Cassian now. 

"How long will the sickness last?" Cassian asked, deciding to just ask the questions he needed to ask before Theodora castrated him, although he couldn't help frowning, feeling offended that she would ever assume he'd want to get anyone else pregnant. 

"It can depend on the person. For some, it only lasts for a few weeks, for some it can be 3 months. There are even those unlucky souls who are sick for their entire pregnancy. The normal amount of time is around 3 months. I have a tea she can drink which will help in the mornings. She should drink it first thing when she wakes up." 

"3 months?" Cassian couldn't hide the shock, the horror of the idea of Nesta suffering even for 3 months. He prayed to the caldron that she wouldn't be the rare cases that have it last the entire pregnancy. Then again, with her being made, who knows how different a pregnancy will be for her, compared to another fae. 

"What does that look on your face mean?" Theodora asked, looking at Cassian as though she'd never seen him before. 

"If she keeps the baby, will it be dangerous for her? I know it's dangerous anyway, but will it be more dangerous because she was made?" Cassian looked down at his hands which were pulling at a loose thread hanging off of his shirt. Even at over 500 years old, Cassian couldn’t hide his nerves when talking about Nesta. 

"I'm not sure. She doesn't seem very different to anyone else, so I can't imagine her body will react too differently to someone who wasn't made. The thing is, I can't be sure. I've never met someone who was made before her, let alone treat them." 

Cassian felt his whole body slump as a sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. He had done this. He had possibly put Nesta in danger, again! If she kept the baby, she could be putting herself at risk. He would never ask her to keep the baby, no matter how much he dreamed of having a family with her, but now, this was something else entirely. He had hurt Nesta so many times and in so many different ways, through failing her, being a coward and being the Illyrian bastard that he was. 

Cassian stood up suddenly, almost dropping the headache tonic and the tea leaves for Nesta, but thankfully he managed to catch them. "Thank you for your help," he managed to choke out to Theodora as he quickly walked away. 

He heard light footsteps following him. "Where are you going now?" Theodora asked him, eyeing him with concern. 

"I have to go back to Nesta. I have to somehow convince her to get rid of this baby." 

"What if she doesn't want to?" Theodora said, eyeing him warily. Cassian knew why. He knew what happened to those who wanted to keep a child when the father wanted to get rid of it. He knew enough of his mother's suffering. 

"I won't force her, and I won't abandon her. I just, I can't-" Cassian choked up on his words. He paused, forcing himself to take several deep breaths before continuing, his voice shaking. "I can't let my stupidity kill her." 

Theodora looked as though she was trying to formulate a response, but Cassian didn't give her enough time to do that. He simply nodded at her and walked away, back towards the cabin where he had left the female he loved, sleeping peacefully. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the pain and suffering! Poor baby Cassian, he just hates himself so much. Also wow I cannot write consistent sized chapters clearly. 
> 
> The next chapter will be from Nesta's POV!
> 
> Please come chat to me on [ tumblr ](https://perseusannabeth.tumblr.com/). I'm taking ACOTAR prompts so please send me some!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are on a roll this week! I have posted 3 times in 3 days I'm so proud. Unfortunately I'm back at work on Monday so :( 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy, here's some more angst!

Nesta could tell she was dreaming. Even when she was at her lowest point, Nesta could always tell when she was dreaming, because they all seemed to take place in her childhood home. It didn’t matter what the dream was, but if it was a dream, it was in their old house. Nightmares mostly tended to take place on the battlefield or the cauldron. 

For this dream, Nesta was watching. She could see her mother and father, both young and unburdened by troubles that followed them later in life. Nesta could tell, this was before her and her sisters were born. They looked as they did when they had gotten married, Nesta remembered from the single painting they had from that day. She had studied it for hours and hours when she had first found it, and then had promptly forgotten about it for years until they had to leave the house. Nesta had searched high and low for the picture, but she couldn’t find it. Probably taken away by the creditors to see what they could get for the frame. The picture was probably burnt. 

Nesta watched her mother and father smile at each other lovingly, something that they had done rarely as she got older, but she had some fuzzy memories of stolen kisses and soft smiles between the two. She probably remembered it more than Elain, and Feyre probably didn’t even realise that their parents may have loved each other once upon a time. 

Her parents were in their room, exactly the way she remembered it, with the cosy feel, the worn-looking rug, and the chipped vase on the dressing table, full of sunflowers, her mother’s favourite flower. Her parents were both sat on the armchair by the window, her mother sat on her father’s lap as she whispered something in his ear. Nesta had never seen her parents so intimate when they had been alive, and she almost felt as though she should look away. Only why would she in her dream? 

Suddenly, her father gasped and looked at her mother’s face, searching for the truth in her eyes, then at her flat stomach, where her mother rested her right hand now. The tears welled in both their eyes as they embraced each other, and kissed. 

Nesta could feel the grasp of her dream loosening on her mind, as she slowly started to wake. She lingered, half asleep and in her dream, half-awake, unable to stop thinking about the joy she had seen on her parent’s face in her dream. Nesta shook the remains of her dream off slowly but remained in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking over the dream she had. Of course, she knew that it wasn’t real, but clearly, with the news she had just found out, she had some things on her mind. She just wasn’t quite sure what to think, both of her dream and of her own pregnancy. 

She looked out of the window and noticed it was probably around mid-day. She must have slept for quite a while, but then that wasn’t surprising. She hadn’t been sleeping very well for the past few days anyway. Finally deciding she needed to get out of bed, Nesta stretched in a cat-like manner and then sat up. She took a few breaths, testing for any leftover nausea from the morning, but found none.   
Feeling more confident in her body’s ability to not throw up when she moved, quickly went to the bathroom and ventured down to the kitchen. Her throwing up this morning, and not having breakfast had left her very hungry. As she walked into the kitchen, her stomach rumbled loudly. Nesta huffed out a small laugh and then pat her stomach, soothing it and to let it know it would be fed soon and then froze. She looked down at her hand on her stomach and suddenly felt the fear coursing through her. 

“Did I just speak to the baby?” Nesta wondered to herself, trying to make herself breath normally, not let the fear win. Did that mean she wanted to keep the baby? Could the baby feel things? Could the baby understand things? Was she starving the baby by not eating? 

Nesta could feel her head swimming once again. She needed to sit down, but she couldn’t see. She wasn’t really present in the room, she was lost in her mind. She let herself slowly sink to the ground, putting her back to the cupboards in the kitchen to lean against them and raising her knees up to rest her head on them as she focused on her breathing. 

She heard the door opening and knew that Cassian had returned from wherever he had been. She didn’t look up, she couldn’t, but she heard him approaching her slowly, cautiously, like he was scared he would make things worse for her. 

“What do I do?” she managed to croak out. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at her stomach. 

“You can get rid of it. We could go right now if you wanted.” Cassian slowly reached over to hold her hand and gave it a soft squeeze. “You don’t have to go through this, not if you don’t want to.”

“What about you?” She could feel that a few tears had slipped down her face now, but she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore. 

“What about me? I don’t care what happens as long as you’re okay.” Nesta could tell that Cassian meant it too. It made her heart constrict hearing it, but it made her feel calmer too. 

They sat in silence on the kitchen floor until Nesta finally looked up at Cassian, who had not taken his eyes off of Nesta. He looked so softly at her, giving her a small, reassuring smile and a squeeze of the hand he had not let go of, that Nesta almost wanted to cry again. 

“If you want to get rid of it, we can go right now. They said it won’t hurt, and it’ll just feel like a bleeding just maybe heavier,” Cassian said it so softly, it sounded strange that he should talk about it in such a loving way. 

“Do you want to get rid of it?” Nesta asked, feeling confused now. She had assumed Cassian would want to keep it, she knew about his childhood and knew how he had grown up. She had just assumed that if he had a child, he would love it with all his heart. 

She was answered with silence. She could barely even hear him breathe. He was so still, as though one moment would wake the animal inside her that would attack him. She pulled her hand out of his and looked away. She should’ve known that he wouldn’t want this with her. He probably dreamed of a family with a stable mother, not a female who was an alcoholic and depressed. 

“Nesta, I, it’s not like that,” he managed to get out. He sounded like he was pleading with her. “I want a family with you if you would ever bestow that honour on me. But Theodora. She mentioned that this could be dangerous. There’s so much they don’t know about your body because you were made.”

Nesta said nothing, as she took in what Cassian had just said. She didn’t acknowledge him as she stood up, grabbed an apple and started walking back to her room.

“Did she say that this would kill me?”

Cassian looked startled from where he now stood in the kitchen, watching her. He was shocked she had finally said something to him. “She said there could be a greater risk because of what they don’t know about your body.”

Nesta simply nodded and then walked back into her room, shutting the door behind her. Only when she was safely out of Cassian’s sight did she let out the small sigh, and let her shoulders fall. Of course, there would be complications, but now Nesta had to think about whether she was willing to risk her dying to bring a baby into the world, as well as everything else she was mulling over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, eventually things will get happy. Just hang in there. I have some good shit planned, especially the smut


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this one for ages, but today I was writing at work to stop me from falling asleep lmao. Anyway, this chapter is a little longer than last time, because what's a consistent word count, idk her.
> 
> I feel like this chapter is just Cassian's internal monologue of angst so I'm sorry for that. I swear I'll get to the fluffy stuff soon!

Cassian hadn't heard from Nesta for the rest of the day. She hadn't come out of her room, but he thanked the Mother when he saw in the morning that the plate of food he had left outside her door was empty. He was so scared that he had fucked things up. It wouldn't be the first time, especially not with Nesta. This could possibly be even worse than the foul words he had thrown at her when he had followed her after Solstice. He still cringed to think about what he had said back then, but in their months of living alone together, he had never been brave enough to bring it up and apologise for what he said. Just more proof that he's a coward. 

Cassian was so torn between confronting Nesta so he could finally see her, check if she's okay and to ask if she had made a decision. It has now been  _ three days _ and Cassian thinks he’s going out of his mind, but then again, he knows he’s not known for his patience. However, he also knew pushing Nesta into speaking to him would probably cause her to back away from him. He knew that she needed time, cauldron, finding out she was pregnant was not a small thing, and he didn't expect pregnancy to magically fix all the problems she was having before. She would need a lot of time to process everything that was happening to her because once again, she had no choice in any of this. Everything that had happened to her was something that she never chose. Choices had been so important to Feyre, and perhaps they had all been blind and not seen that her sister needed those same choices, that she had the same fears of being locked in a cage. 

It was frustrating for Cassian to only know she was still alive because he could hear her throwing up in the early hours of the morning, and because she was leaving her empty plates outside the door. He would make the tea and leave it on the table in the kitchen because although Theodora had told him Nesta needed to drink it first thing in the morning, he didn't want to anger or upset Nesta by taking tea into her room. Going into her room felt too personal and invasive. He hadn't been in there at all since Nesta had moved in with him, apart from when Theodora had come to see her. He wouldn't go in there unless Nesta asked him to, or he needed to if there was no other option. That room was her space away from everything else that he had tainted. She deserved that much and so much more, so it was the least he could give her. 

Cassian had taken to lingering around the cabin a lot more over the past few days, just in case Nesta needed anything or if she came out. He knew that she was using the bathroom obviously, and his bookshelf had been disturbed so he knew that Nesta must have snuck out when he wasn't home to get some more books, but he could never seem to catch her out of her room. It was driving him crazy. He just had to keep reminding himself that it would do more harm than good if he confronted her. He didn't feel like it was helping him very much but he was doing it for Nesta. She was the only person whose feelings mattered right now. 

She hadn't been to see Theodora or Emerie since he had spoken to her, he had checked with them both. Theodora had pointed out that she had a lot to think about and she needed time, but she didn't understand. She hadn't gotten her mate pregnant and then found out it could kill her. That's what he had done. By giving in to his lust and being so careless he had basically signed Nesta's death warrant, and that was something he could never forgive himself for. Instead of being a good mate and helping Nesta with her burdens and her problems, he had become a burden himself, and just caused more problems for her. She didn't deserve that, and he certainly didn't deserve the gift of a mate, or Nesta. He deserved to suffer, he knew that. He wished Nesta didn't have to suffer too though, he was content to suffer in silence as long as she was okay. 

He decided to make himself useful for once, and see Theodora again. He could hear Nesta in her room, and from the sound of her breathing, he guessed she was asleep. She hadn't been sleeping very well at night, not that she did before. But whereas before he could hear her thrashing about, now she was just still. He could imagine her lying on her back, one hand on her flat stomach, staring at the ceiling, seeing but not seeing, too lost in her own mind to notice anything else going on around her. He had to stop imagining what she was doing, how she was lying and what she was thinking, otherwise, he would definitely lose his mind. 

He marched himself to the healer's tents instantly finding Theodora in the maternity tent. Cassian cleared his throat as he walked towards her to get her attention, not wanting to sneak up on her and startle her. He knew most of the females in this camp felt uncomfortable around males and tried to make himself as small as possible, bringing his wings in as close to himself as he could, to make himself look smaller. He knew that he was tall and bulky and so this wouldn't do much, but he knew that the females would appreciate his wings being close to him, rather than spread to show dominance as most males in the camp did. It was a small gesture, but the meaning behind it was powerful, especially coming from the commander of the Illyrian armies. He knew it wasn't enough, but it was a start. 

"What do you want now?" Theodora asked, not looking up from the herbs in her tray which she was organising into boxes. 

He liked that Theodora was so blunt with him, it was rare for him to get that from an Illyrian female. A part of him also felt like he didn't really deserve to have people be so nice to him. Not after what happened in the battle against Hybern. And now with what he had done to Nesta. 

He decided to get straight to the point. He knew Theodora wasn't interested in small talk. "Is there anything else Nesta can take for the sickness?" 

"Is the tea not working?" Theodora decided to look up, one of her eyebrows lifted as she looked at him. 

"I think it is, but she can't get it first thing in the morning." 

"Why can't she? It's not that hard, I know you're a busy male doing whatever males do, but all you have to do is make a simple tea and give it to her before you leave." Theodora sounded annoyed at him, as though she thought he was being stupid. 

"I don't want to intrude on her privacy and go into her rooms in the morning. I don't want to overwhelm her." Cassian looked down at the ground let out a sad sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked back at Theodora and straightened himself up. "I need something that she can have that doesn't involve me ignoring her boundaries. She hasn't been sleeping very well so I don't want to go into her room and wake her to give her tea when I have to leave very early. Is there anything else you can give us?" 

"Us?" Theodora asked as her eyebrows now went higher than they were before. Cassian cursed himself for the slip of the tongue but held strong under Theodora's thunderous glare. When he didn't respond she eventually moved on, realising she wasn't going to get anything else out of him. "There are a few things I can possibly give to Nesta. It's a trial by error type thing, unfortunately. Every female is different, some medicines and remedies work for some and some do not." 

Theodora started rummaging around in the cupboards behind her, muttering to herself about incompetent Illyrian males and male stupidity as she did. Cassian felt the corners of his mouth lift slightly. He loved the fact that Theodora wasn't afraid to say what she thought of him. It made him glad she had decided to become Nesta's protector. She was exactly the kind of person who could protect her from his stupid mistakes. Theodora eventually pulled out a jar with golden coloured cubes in it, holding it up with a triumphant look on her face. 

"These are jelly cubes. They have similar properties in it to the tea herbs I gave you. I'm assuming Nesta doesn't throw up after she does eventually get the tea?" Cassian nodded, feeling like a naughty child who was being told off while Theodora explained everything to him. "That means the herbs work for her. All she needs to do is eat one of these in the morning as soon as she wakes up. Sometimes it can take some time for them to start working, so don't be alarmed if they don't work straight away. The tea is faster acting, which is why I give the herbs first. If she finds that they have not started working after a week then she needs to come back to me so I can try and find her something else." Theodora shoved the jar into Cassian hands and then sat back down and carried on sorting her herbs out as though she hadn’t just been interrupted. 

"What if she doesn't need this many?" Cassian asked, examining the jar filled with the small jellies. 

"Then she can give them back to me. As long as she doesn't spit in the jar or something strange then I can offer them up to other patients. However if she needs them all that's fine, I can always make more very easily." Theodora paused, and then looked up at Cassian. For the first time in the time he had known Theodora, she looked cautious of him for once. She finally finished weighing up what she had been thinking about asking and decided to speak again. "Is there any particular reason you think she might not be needing them all?" 

Cassian froze. He hadn't discussed with anyone what he had said to Nesta and certainly would never dare to discuss what she had said in response. Until Nesta spoke to him, or anyone else, about what she wanted to do with the baby, he wouldn't say a word. It was up to her to make the next move, and as much as Cassian hoped he would be involved in that, or even be told what she had decided, he knew he had done nothing to earn that trust from Nesta. 

"I don't know. Just maybe if the sickness stops?" Cassian asked, knowing Theodora would know he was lying, but hoping she wouldn’t try to pry things out of him. 

Theodora squinted at him, looking at him as though she could see right through him in that unnerving way of hers. Cassian held his breath, almost feeling like a prey about to be pounced on by the predator. Thankfully, her examination of Cassian was over quickly, and he took a breath, trying to calm himself. 

"Fine, if you say so. Now answer me this, and answer me truthfully, do I need to go visit the poor girl? Have you done something again?" 

Cassian tried to think of what to say that wouldn’t be lying, without talking about things Nesta wouldn’t want him to talk about, and also without pissing Theodora off. "I think she just needs time to process things." 

"So you told her about the risks then." Theodora mused. "No wonder you're so on edge." 

"I can't talk about that with you, you know that. I don't want to betray her confidence." 

"It's about time you got your shit together boy," Theodora said, almost sounding approving of him. She certainly had a glint in her eye that Cassian had very rarely seen aimed at him. 

Cassian shrugged, suddenly very tired of his conversation, and not sure what else he could say. He definitely didn't feel like he had gotten anything together. Everything just felt like it was going from bad to worse. 

"Go home to your mate Cassian," Theodora said, sounding a little resigned now. "Go home and speak to your mate about things. Communication is important, but it's a two-way street too you know? You can't just sit around and wait for her to come to you, that might never happen." Cassian opened his mouth to protest, but Theodora cut him off before he could even start. "I know you say you don't want to push her and whatever, but there's a difference between pushing her into something she doesn't want to do and making sure that she's alright. Sometimes people need someone else to talk to, however much she might want to deny that. She needs someone to listen to her right now, so make it clear that you will listen with no judgement." 

That struck a chord with Cassian. He knew that although he offered her these things in the past, he had never done it without judgement. Perhaps this time, if Nesta chose to trust in him, he could prove that he could do something right by his mate for once. Theodora was right, Nesta needed to discuss what she was thinking out loud. Being locked away on her own could make her worse, and could make her feel more isolated. Cassian didn't like the idea of Nesta trying to deal with her pregnancy on his own. Just the thought of it made him clench his fists in anger. 

"You probably hear this a lot, but you're right." Cassian tried to go for his usual cheeky grin but knew it fell flat. 

Theodora let a big smile spread across her face. "Cassian, I do hear it a lot, but I'll never get tired of hearing it, especially from males, so feel free to remind me how I'm always right every so often." 

Cassian let out a small laugh and then said his goodbyes, walking back towards his cabin feeling much lighter. He got back a lot quicker than he anticipated and quickly decided to fix Nesta a snack, hoping to take it over to her room as a peace offering. However, as he opened the door, he stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway, as his eyes landed on Nesta sat on the sofa, reading her book, and eating an apple that she had cut up for herself.

He couldn’t quite believe that she was in front of him, acting like nothing had happened after being hidden away for days. He couldn't help but stare at her reading while eating her apple slice slowly, looking so comfy and at home. He felt his heart squeeze at the sight of his mate looking almost content in his cabin. 

"You're blocking my light." She spoke eventually, startling him a little as she brought him back to the room rather than being lost in thought. It was the first time she had spoken to him in what felt like forever, and his heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice. 

Cassian moved quickly out of the way, and shut the door, making sure that he didn't block too much of her light by standing in front of any door or window facing her. He scrambled through his brain, looking for something to say, eventually deciding on sticking for safe topics for now. 

"What are you reading sweetheart?" 

Nesta froze, visibly stiffening at the sound of Cassian's voice. Cassian cursed himself.  _ "So much for safe topics, idiot."  _

He watched Nesta, and although he couldn't see her face, he could tell she was considering her answer. He waited until she decided to speak to him. 

"It's about pregnancies." 

Somehow, those three words took the breath out of his lungs. Out of all the answers, that was not the one he was expecting. But clearly, they weren't going to stick to safe topics, so Cassian had to try his best not to fuck this up. 

"Anything interesting?" His voice sounded off, but he hoped she wouldn't notice. He knew she would, she never missed a thing, but he could pretend that he was able to act cool and collected around her. 

"A few things." Silence, as she once again weighed up another answer. She took a deep breath, bracing herself as she decided to voice her thought. Cassian could feel the tension in the room rising, he felt like he couldn't breathe. "I think, I might keep the baby." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, looks like we're gonna get going now that they've finally made that decision. Next chapter will definitely have Nesta's thinking, and also some very fluffy parts coming soon. I won't spoil it for you guys, but I'm just gonna say that Cassian is a nervous wreck about pregnant Nesta. The poor bat boy's nerves are gonna be the end of him in this fic.
> 
> As per usual, please leave kudos and comments, they really motivate me to write. Also I'm @perseusannabeth on tumblr if you wanna come talk to me on there!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm just gonna admit that I've had this half written for ages so sorry for taking ages to finish it. Work is getting hectic with the Christmas period coming up which is gross. I have some time off around Christmas so hopefully I'll be able to write some more stuff then? Hopefully, the fact this one is a longer chapter will make up for the wait in between chapters???

Nesta felt light and free. It was strange, that she could feel this way. She had almost forgotten that she was able to feel like this. The last time she had felt like this was when she was a little girl, before losing their fortune. She hadn't thought she would be able to feel like this again after everything that happened. Even when their fortune had come back, the knowledge of what had to be sacrificed in order to gain it back left a bitter taste in her mouth. Sometimes, when she had been unable to sleep, worrying about Feyre and the guilt, she had wished she wasn't different. She had wished she could forget too, like Elain had. It would've been so much simpler. 

After she had spoken to Cassian, she had spent night after night imagining what her life could be like if she got rid of the baby. She imagined how her life would just go on as normal, perhaps she would get better, perhaps she would not. She knew these things were never a given. She had seen her mother die. She might forget about the fact she had been pregnant, like some kind of memory of a nightmare, or she might grow to regret it and hate herself for getting rid of it. But then she imagined what it could be like if she kept the baby. She imagined what it would be like to have a person who was hers. She used to think Elain was her person, who would love her unconditionally, who would always be there, but then Feyre had banished her, and Elain had not been there to stop it. She wasn't sure if Elain just didn't know what was going on, or if she had decided she didn't want to be there because she wanted to be free of the burden Nesta had turned into. Either way, Nesta couldn't really blame her. Sometimes she was repulsed by herself too. She shouldn't have expected someone else to be okay with things when she couldn't be. It had been too easy to drink till she forgot all the things she hated about herself, and so difficult not to do that now. 

Either way, it was clear to Nesta that Elain no longer needed her, and Nesta was glad because she couldn't be what she had once been for Elain. She couldn't pretend she hadn't changed anymore, couldn't be the same person as she was before, it was now impossible for her. Feyre had always been too independent to be her person, to need Nesta. Cassian had been a possibility, she had once considered what it would be like if they were each other's person. She knew they were mates. She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about how she was drawn to him, that she considered opening her heart to him. Those were dangerous thoughts that made her want to lose control and shatter things. Cassian could not be her person, especially not when he seemed to be everyone else's. Morrigan, Rhysand, Azriel, Feyre and even Amren all seemed to claim Cassian as theirs, and there was nothing Nesta could ever do that would make him hers and hers alone. She knew that, but it still hurt that there seemed to be no space in his life for her. 

Perhaps it was selfish of her, to want to keep this baby simply because she wanted a person who would be hers and only hers. She knew logically that this baby could be, and would be Cassian's person too, but that didn't matter. Despite the way her mother had been, proper and cold, she had still had this bond with Nesta that nobody else seemed to understand. Nesta had been mother's favourite because they were each other's person. She wanted that bond with her own child. Despite how much she had loved her father, she loved her mother in a way she could never describe to anyone, not even her sisters. It was a bond that was hers and hers alone. Perhaps that’s why she had started breaking when her mother had died, and how she had never quite recovered. 

Nesta had always known children would be in her life. She knew that it was expected of her. She had seen the size of the Mandry family and known that childbearing was all that she would be allowed to do in that household, and yet, she had still been willing to marry Tomas. She had known about Tomas' father, of course, how could you not hear the screams of their poor mother? It had never occurred to her that Tomas did nothing to stop his father. She had just assumed he could not or was too afraid to. She was so used to weak men, so she’d forgotten all about cruel men. She had been a fool to ever forget it. She had realised just how far the apple falls from the tree when he had tried to rape her. She had realised that no man could live in a house like that and be honourable. She should've known, with the way his older brothers seemed with their wives. Their wives constantly looked meek and afraid. They were constantly pregnant. The screams in that house weren't just from their mother anymore, but she hadn't seen the signs. She hadn't been looking for the signs, she had just been thinking of a way to stop being a problem for Feyre. That turned out well. Now it seemed all she ever could be was a problem for Feyre and everyone else. 

When she had first been Made, Nesta knew all the things she had been taught in life, everything that was expected of her and of society was now gone. It should have been freeing, but instead, Nesta felt like she was drowning. What was she supposed to do with her life now? She had accepted after they had got their fortune back, that she no longer had to marry in order to look after herself and her family. As someone with money and land, Nesta had more options. She had wanted to travel, to see the world. She didn't have to marry, as the oldest child she would inherit the lands and money her father owned. Elain would marry and be happy, having a brood of children and a doting husband, and Nesta would be content being the eccentric aunt who would spoil her nieces and nephews rotten. Feyre was supposed to be content on living with the man,  _ male,  _ that she had left her family and security for. Nothing went as planned though, which Nesta felt she should've known. It was the way her life worked. 

She didn't know what to do with her life when she had been Made. The possibilities were endless, but in a way that was frightening rather than thrilling. What was she supposed to do with her life now? She had no house, no money, no idea what she was doing or where she was going. Nesta had felt like a piece of debris being dragged along with the current, unable to fight it. She had tried to fit in, to help her sister. If Feyre could find her home in these strange lands and find a purpose, then surely she could too? However, she should've remembered that she and Feyre, despite being similar in so many ways, were very different. It was too difficult trying to find yourself when you felt stifled by your younger sister. Feyre had built her life in Velairs, but Nesta could not live there and be a subject to her sister, it just didn't sit right with her.

Nesta felt more at peace after she had made her decision. She wasn't sure why she was so at peace. Cassian had told her the risks, that it was dangerous and she could die. Fae births were rare, Nesta knew that, so she reasoned that there was no way for her to know what was going to happen when she gave birth, nor did anyone else. She liked Theodora, but not even a midwife as experienced as her could predict something like this. She was okay with dying for this child, and perhaps that was why she was so at peace. Why not give a child a better chance at life than herself. If she died, she knew that the baby would be well-loved and looked after by Cassian and Elain would love her child enough so that it would never miss its mother, she knew Elain would do that for her. Nesta wasn't doing much living at the moment anyway, she mostly just felt numb, so it didn't really matter to her if she died. 

Of course, she did feel a slight twinge of guilt at the thought of abandoning a child the way her mother abandoned her. She knew her mother loved her, but her own child wouldn't know that. Her own child wouldn't have memories of her to soothe the hurt of not having a mother anymore as she did. Nesta reasoned that Cassian could easily find another mother for the baby though, plus, it wasn't like the baby would suffer the exact same pain as she had. If she died giving birth, the baby wouldn't know her. Surely that would hurt less than it had for her, right? And if she did live, then at least she would never abandon the baby the way her father had abandoned her. He had come back eventually, but perhaps it was too late for her. She had already become this cold and unfeeling creature, with walls so high nobody would dare to try and get past them. 

A few days after she had made her decision, she realised she should tell someone. She needed to tell Cassian. She didn't want him to feel as though this baby was all hers, even if it felt like it was. If she died, then Nesta needed Cassian to feel that bond with her baby, so she knew he would look after it. She just didn't know how to go about the conversation. When she had settled on the idea of sitting in the living area and reading a book, she hadn't quite meant to blurt it out the way she had. 

She could tell instantly that it had been a bad way to go about things. She should've eased into it, but Nesta seemed to be incapable of being anything but blunt, even when she didn't want to be. Cassian had simply nodded and then walked off to the bathroom. She hadn't seen him after that. She had considered eating her dinner with him, but she wasn't sure it was a good idea. She couldn't say exactly how he was feeling, but she knew that he needed time to process things. Pretending he was okay just for her wasn't going to allow him that time. 

She had decided to give him to the morning. Any more time and he would stew in whatever self-hatred and guilt he had managed to concoct up in his mind. She needed to show him she would be okay, even if she didn't know she would be. Despite their rocky relationship, she didn't want him to stew in his emotions. She had allowed him to do that enough when she had first arrived in Illyria. She didn’t want him to feel like that because of her. 

In the morning, she woke up bright and early, much to her disgust. She ate one of the jelly things Theodora had sent with Cassian, lay in bed for a little while after she had done. She seemed to be working out her morning sickness. She knew that if she moved too much when she woke up, she was more likely to be sick. It was a theory right now, but she was testing it out. 

After spending about half an hour in bed, reading her book and trying not to move too much, she would get up, go to the bathroom and get ready for the day. The bathroom was a safe place to get ready since she would never be too far if she needed to be sick. She knew if she was sick anywhere else, she wouldn't have the stomach to clean it up, and the idea of Cassian cleaning up her sick was even worse than imagining doing it herself. 

Once she was done getting ready and feeling slightly more confident that she wouldn't throw up (she liked to pretend she was more confident, but it didn't mean that she was), she went to the kitchen. These days, she hadn't really been eating warm breakfasts. The idea of porridge or toast or anything else Cassian had cooked up for her breakfast in the months she had been living here made her stomach turn. Nesta kept it simple, she would eat some fruit. 

Today, her fruit of choice was strawberries. Nesta had always loved strawberries when she was younger. It was the one thing she wouldn't share with anyone, not even Elain. When they had lost their fortune, Nesta would wander to the edges of the forest and pick wild strawberries for them to eat. It was rare Nesta didn't want to die to prove a point to her father, but on those rare days, she would pick strawberries for her sisters. Never her father though, he shouldn't get anything for sitting there and doing nothing, she had decided. 

Nesta washed a big bowl full of strawberries, and cut the tops off in order to save her time while eating. She then sat at the table and ate her strawberries with one hand, using the other to read her book. She had decided to take a break from the pregnancy reading, and gone back to her usual books. She usually wouldn't dare read them in the open, especially when Cassian was around. He was never one to hold back on annoying her about these things. However, she wanted to test the boundaries with him. She knew that now more than ever, he would be walking on eggshells around her. Perhaps she could use that to her advantage. 

As she predicted, it didn't take very long for Cassian to come out of his room. Nesta knew he was awake, and probably had been for a very long time, but he tended to stay in his room until he heard Nesta moving around since he had found out she was pregnant. She appreciated the fact that despite she knew he would want to hover over her, he still continued to give her the space she needed. She knew that if she needed him, he would rush out before she could even finish calling for him. It was nice to know he would drop everything for her, even if it was just because she was pregnant with his child. She knew enough about fae being protective to know that even someone who has not accepted the mating bond will feel stronger to a person when they are pregnant with their child. Cassian was doing remarkably well in holding himself back if what she had read about fae and their mates during pregnancy was anything to believe. 

"Would you like some cream with that?" Cassian pulled Nesta from her thoughts. He must have known that she wasn't reading. She probably hadn't turned her page in five minutes. 

"Cream with what?" Nesta asked, frowning in confusion. 

Cassian's eyes were drawn to the small crease in between her eyebrows, he pursed his lips but she could tell he was trying not to smile. Was her confusion funny? She certainly didn't think it was. The thought that Cassian might be laughing at her made her frown deepen. 

"With your strawberries," Cassian said, his eyes twinkling with mischief and she knew instantly he was about to say something she didn't like. "What other kinds of cream are you thinking of Nesta?" He peered over her shoulder at the book on the table and let out a little laugh. "I suppose you're not at fault, your book choice would suggest you have... another cream on your mind." 

"What are you-" Nesta started, before looking down at her book and realising that her book was in fact open on a very steamy smut scene where the hero was getting a blow job. She blushed, slamming her book shut. She cursed herself internally for thinking he wouldn't comment on her book choice just because she was pregnant. She looked at her strawberries, shaking her head. She didn't have the energy to have a battle of the wits with Cassian this morning. All her energy was going into not being sick in the mornings. "I think something as heavy as cream in the morning would make me feel even more sick than I already do." 

Cassian instantly was serious, which was something she knew he could be, but she had never seen him being serious about her before. It was a little unnerving, but she felt that she had won this round of verbal sparring, despite the fact that she didn't have enough energy to do it with her usual vigour. She felt a ripple of satisfaction that despite her brain being fried by the current changes in her life, she could still one up Cassian with ease. Then again, she supposed the current events would be taking a toll on Cassian too. Still, a victory is a victory, and against Cassian, they always seem to be sweeter. 

"How is your sickness?" He asked cautiously as he started making his porridge. Nesta saw him glance at her plate, contemplating whether he should make some for her, before deciding against it and making some for himself. 

"I seem to be okay if I try and lie in bed when I've had the jellies. It takes a little bit of time for my stomach to settle." 

"Okay, good," Cassian said, sounding relieved. 

They sat in awkward silence as Nesta ate her strawberries and watched Cassian. It was clear to Nesta that Cassian was trying to think of the right thing to say, she just didn't know what he wanted to talk about. If she did, she would save both of them some awkwardness and just ask him about it. But unfortunately, she didn't have her sister's powers and couldn't rummage around in his brain to find out what was going on with him. 

Eventually, Cassian settled on something and finally spoke. "I just want you to know that, if you'll let me, I want to be as involved as I can be, with both you and the baby. I know I've said it before, but I need you to know that I wasn't just saying it. If keeping the baby is what makes you happy, then I'm going to make sure I can do everything in my power to help you." 

Nesta let them sit in silence for a second as she digested his words. "What about what makes you happy?" 

"What?" 

"You said if keeping the baby makes me happy. What about what makes you happy?" Nesta wanted to just ask him if he was happy that she was keeping the baby, but she couldn't. She wasn't sure if she could deal with the heartbreak if he said he wasn't happy. 

Cassian's eyes softened as he looked at her, and she knew that in and amongst her question he had heard what she really wanted to ask him. She hated the way he could read her so well but was also glad that she didn't have to say certain things out loud. 

"Nesta, I am honoured that you are having my child. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine anything like this was even remotely possible. I owe you something I will never be able to repay, but if I had to be indebted to anyone in this way, I would choose you in a heartbeat."

Nesta had to look away from the raw emotions displayed on Cassian's face, and his eyes filled with tears. She blinked, getting rid of the tears that had filled her own eyes. She knew that Cassian didn't have a leg to stand on, and couldn't mention her tears when he was so close to crying herself. 

Cassian cleared his throat, although Nesta was not sure whether that was to get her to look at him or because he had a lump in his throat from holding back the tears. "Nesta Archeron, I know I have made many promises to you and failed to keep them, but this is a vow I would rather die than not keep. I will do anything for you and this baby, our baby. In my life, you are the most important person, and when the baby is born, you both will be the most important people in my life." 

Nesta nodded, unable to speak past the lump in her own throat now. Instead, she turned to Cassian and gave him a small, watery smile. Although it was a pathetic attempt at a smile, Cassian's entire body jolted from the shock of her smile being directed at him. That, coupled with the fact that his breathing had hitched left Nesta fighting the blush coming up on her cheeks. To distract herself, she quickly wiped the unshed tears brimming in her eyes. 

She stood up, with her strawberry filled plate, now only half full. "I'm going to eat the rest of these later. I haven't seen Emerie in a while, I'm going to see her." 

She moved to put the strawberries away for later when Cassian stopped her with a hand on her arm. "Please don’t stop eating because of what I said. I'm sorry, I can leave you to enjoy your meal on your own." 

"It's fine, it's not because of you," Cassian raised his eyebrows to show that he didn't believe her. Nesta rolled her eyes at the amount of worrying he was doing. "I got a bit over-eager with the number of strawberries I thought I would be able to eat. I know Emerie is in on your plot to fatten me up, I'm sure she'll try and feed me something when I get there." 

Cassian blushed at the mention of him trying to get Nesta to eat more, which made Nesta have to repress a grin. "If it was a competition, then I can safely say that you won," Cassian looked a little confused until Nesta smirked and pat her stomach. "I think that you've done a very good job of fattening me up, we just won't see the effects for another few months." 

With that, Nesta walked out the door, laughing to herself at Cassian's red face as she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so the next chapter for sure is more fluff. I've been told that I've hurt you guys enough for now but all I seem to think of for any fics is angst? 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought, either in the comments or send me an ask on tumblr, I'm @perseusannabeth


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